Turns out I'm an inconsistent bufoon

Ignore this blog. It is a personal link for me, go there if you want but i'm putting it here because I need somwehere to put it and i'm at TAFE so my favourites aren't with me.

http://www.philosophersnet.com/games/god.htm

The perils of Babel Fish Translator

Recently whilst trying to translate large slabs of Dutch into English (don't ask why, it's a secret) I discovered something awesome. Babel Fish Translator sucks, and the more you translate the funnier it gets. Here's a classic example:

"There was a man who lived in a yellow house. One day he decided to go and buy an apple from the store. As he walked along he met a woman who was driving a car. She stopped an gave him a lift. He bought his apple and then went home to enjoy it."

A fairly simple paragraph. Simple sentences, simple words. You'd think after being translated from English to French, to Italian, to German, to Dutch, to Spanish, to French again and then back to English it would resemble the original story...it doesn't:

"It has given a man who has lived in a yellow house. During a day it has d' ; to decide; an apple of the warehouse to buy to go. During the qu' ; it has gone the length meets to a woman who has lead a machine. It s' it is lead stopped. He has bought its apple and it has been returned then to the house for l' ; to think."

Heres another example:

"Once upon a time there lived a man named Jesus. One day Jesus decided he wanted to fulfill the great prophecy and go out to do the things the son of god would be expected to do. After a few years of ressurecting people and healing the sick he went to heaven."

To:

"Once in the period of the appointed person lived there of [iisus]. One day [iisus] of the certain qu' it wanted to realise the large prophecy, and from fact of the things will come out its [ozhidano], makes the son of the God. After a little the ressurectingsjahren peoples, and around itself from the patient to sound is at the Paradies."

So as you can see, don;t use Babel Fish Translator.

If you want to use Babel Fish Translator the link can be found here.

Religious Discrimination - is it fair to fight back?

I'm a bit angry. Another week, another tale of religious discrimination coming out of the grand country the US of A. below is a number of websites i've found which are attempting to absolutly demolish all forms of religious discrimination in America. It is scary, occasionally funny and then just downright scary (if your child eats Count Chocula cereal he is a goth and devil worshipper). As far as I can see the main cause of religious discrimination comes from Christianity. Normally I wouldn't point fingers like this and I try to be all politically correct but right now i'm annoyed. The average American christian is a hardworking, honest individual. However there are over three hundred thousand who let nothing but hatred spew out of their mouths. Hatred and fear and pathetic whining about pointless things such as whose God is THE God. It doesn't matter until it is widespread and common, as it is now.
For the first time ever you will see my radical side on this blog. Fight back. We need to demolish this kind of thinking in the world. Three Hundred Thousand American Christians who feel hatred for "satanic' religions such as Islam, Buddhism, Wicca, neo-paganism, Sikhism and pretty much any other religion that is not Christian. So my question, what to do? Do we do the Jesus thing and turn the other cheek? Do we do the Crusades all over again and destroy as many of 'them' as possible? Or do we try a bit of Ghandi and do things peacefully?
I don't care who you are, what your religion is or what your beliefs are on this topic but please comment if you read this. I was attacked on the internet the other day because of my beliefs. i have received angry emails from stupid idiots who think they are going to save my soul. I know people who have been physically attacked because the expressed their beliefs to openly. It shouldn't be like this. It is sad and makes me ashamed to call myself human. A seventeen year old boy was hit in the face with a two kilogram block of ice from a esky because he was wearing a pentagram (if you don't know what that is go to the bottom of this page). Thats what happens when a non-christian goes to christmas carols.
As you can probably see my views on Christianiy are a bit...shady. I don't Christianity, it is an example of religion gone mad. If I offend you, sorry... Sometimes the truth hurts.

See these links below. Visit them. Do it. now.

http://atheism.about.com/library/FAQs/christian/blfaq_viol_wicca.htm

http://kimbers.bravepages.com/rblog/2004/07/discrimination-alert.html

Halloween--A ploy to sell more candy or a legitimate holiday?

I was talking to somebody the other day (no names...Randy) who was of the opinion that Halloween was a shameless ploy by corporate America to sell lots of candy. This person (Randy) just wouldn't believe that Halloween is a legitimate holiday. Needless to say I crushed this person (Randy) with a solidly constructed arguement, my wit and sarcasm and my stunning good looks. Instead of providing you (Anonymous Internet Person) with the Solidly Constructed Arguement I was lazy and gave you this instead:
Halloween is a religous holiday in many different religions. In Christianity it is celebrated as All Saints Day, also celebrated by Bogans all round Australia as every Tuesday night.
*insert pause whilst you work out why that joke is funny, chuckle a bit, read on...*
In ancient and moderc Celtic traditions it is Samhain, the night the souls of the dead walk the earth.
In Mexico (Meh-Hi-Ko) it is celebrated as the Day of the Dead (the festival not the B-Grade horror movie... WOW! I am on fire tonight!)
And thats about it... Please note, nowhere in there did I write "Candy Companies" . So to that person (Randy) who didn't believe me when I said Halloween is a legitimate religous holiday: "Gringo"

And to you Anonymous Internet person: "Goodbye"


AUTHORS NOTE:
Yeah I just read what I wrote. Wow. Sorry's all I can really say. I'm committed to not editing my work except for spelling and grammer (and even then...) so well, sorry for writing such an incomprehensible piece of pointless diatribe.

Why People Who Are'nt Interesting Should Shut The Hell Up

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, but there is a new and insidious threat to society. This isn’t some religious nutcase from halfway across the world, nor is it punk kids and their satanic music, it isn’t even well off people driving in the city with 4WD Range Rovers. This is much worse because it directly affects me. I am talking about boring people who insist on telling boring stories, and partaking in boring activities like crochet and cataloguing things. They even have the innate ability to make even fun things such as life boring. The worse thing about them is they do not even realise how boring they are. A whole room of people could top themselves and they wouldn’t care, or notice. No, they would just keep on ploughing through an hour long story about their great grandchildren’s curtains. So, as a public service I decided to make a small list of things NOT to bring up in conversation:

· Tip number one: Your children, or children who are related to you. People seem to think that because I am a fellow human I want to hear about their children’s trip to the dentist. Trust me, I don’t. Most other people don’t either. So don’t bring it up unless it leads on to something more interesting. Here is an example of what not to do:

YOU: My child went to the dentist yesterday.

ME: Really, that’s so.... Really?

YOU: Yeah, turns out that he needed to get a filling done, and then we had to sit there for like....

ME: (Slowly goes into hibernation until you leave.)




A much better story would be:

YOU: My child went to the dentist yesterday.

ME: Really, that’s so.... Really?

YOU: Yeah, when we got there he was standing on the roof singing “What A Wonderful World” throwing chicken nuggets at the onlookers.

ME: (Actively listens throughout the remainder of
your story and then makes some amusing gaffe about prostate cancer.)


The overall thing to remember is: if your story is not interesting then do not tell it. People will hate you if you do. They will spread rumours about what you did with that pickle and then they will kick you in the spleen.



· Tip number two: People never cease to amaze me when they leave for a few minutes and then return and assume we are still talking about the same subject. They then plough headlong into a conversation about Honduras, assuming we are still talking about Rollerblades. The effect is similar to a head on collision between a Fiat and a tank. By the time you get to the driver of the Fiat it’s already to late to save them. This means that a good conversation about Honduras has been ruined by some buffoon who enters saying: “One time I fell over and kicked myself in the head with my rollerblades.” This is annoying, confusing, and most of all, boring. It means that you have to, for the sake of being polite, re-enter into conversation about rollerblades even though you have since moved on. The second moral of this story is don’t buy a Fiat. Unless it is a Panda. The Fiat Panda is quite possibly the most brilliant invention ever.



· Tip number three: Contrary to popular belief, not all jokes are funny. This is the same for people. Some people are very unfunny and must therefore never tell a joke, for if they do the joke is tainted and will never be funny again. People who tell an unfunny joke, or tell a funny joke in a way that makes it unfunny deserve to be bludgeoned with a watermelon. There is also a time and a place you do and don’t tell jokes. When Nelson Mandela got out of prison and became president he didn’t go over to the microphone and say: “So a priest, a rabbi and an aardvark all walk into a bar...”. Another prime example is at funerals. Now, there is no easy way to tell if you are one of the “Funny” people, or if you are a member of the “Unfunny” people. Have a conversation and drop a few jokes. If people laugh at you then you are funny. If people karate chop you in the lung, you are unfunny.



So there you have it. Three hot tips to not being boring. Lets recap:

· Don’t tell boring stories about boring topics.

· Don’t spontaneously burst into conversation about a completely new topic, and don’t leave and then return assuming the topic hasn’t changed. It has.

· Don’t tell unfunny jokes. If you are an unfortunate member of the “unfunny” group of homo sapiens, it is best if you don’t talk at all.

Follow this advice and you will find that people will actually like you, instead of just pretending to like you. You will also find that you will be punched in the face 30 percent less.

Why the Matrix was right

It's been a while since I wrote anything of substance on this blog. But I'll change that here by writing an article so awesome it will explode your head.
In the next few lines I am going to make you stop and say 'wow'. I will literally tear apart the fabric of time and space and single handedly destroy all matter. How? Well, I am going to, with the help of my alter ego Paddy O'Carrington reveal a startling revelation. One which beats all those boring revalations made in the Bible. I am going to show why the Matrix was right about reality.

INT. LOUNGEROOM - DAY

PADDY is sitting on the couch. Ben walks in.

PADDY:

Oh, hi Ben. How are you?

BEN: Shut up and listen.

PADDY:

Excuse me?

(BEN slaps PADDY)

BEN:

Shh.

PADDY:

Okay.

BEN:

I just had an efinapy.

PADDY:

A what?

BEN:

An efinapy.

PADDY:

I... I... a what?

BEN:

Efinapy. Are you deaf or just stupid.

PADDY:

I'm Irish.

BEN:

Oh.

PADDY:

Do you mean epiphany?

BEN:

No. Maybe.

PADDY:

Go on.

BEN:

Yeah. I just realised that all the world is false. A fake. A giant con.

PADDY:

And how did you figure that?

BEN:

Phisolophy.

PADDY:

Do you mean... oh never mind.

BEN:

I used logic.

PADDY:

Good for you.

BEN:

Mmm. You see:

Reality is what we perceive

Everybody perceives reality different

Therefore there can be no "One" reality, or the 'real' reality

PADDY:

Far out.

BEN:

Yeah baby. I just disproved life.

(PADDY claps appreciatively)

So there you go. I just proved reality is a false concept. Bet Einstein never did that. Bumming on with all his voodoo and Quasars and Quantum theory. All of it is simply his perception of the universe.

When i feel like it i'll post a article which explains what to do about this reality concept. If it is true then it would explain all kinds of funky stuff. More on that later but.

Aloha

(the goodbye aloha not the hello aloha. Now why are you still here. Go away. Shoo. Goodbye. Thank God I thought you'd never leave.)

The graveyard shuffle

My latest piece of artwork. "The graveyard Shuffle"

halloween

It's Halloween soon, 38 days at the time of me writing this. For me its an excuse to write about spooky shit and draw pictures of monsters. Below is Evil Joe and Ricky Bob. My first attempt at Halloween-Art.

Woo-oooo-ooooo

Did it just get cold in here?

Cats

Why do cat lovers insist on spruking on about how good cats are and about how cats are so much better than dogs. A cat won't come when called, a cat won't save little Johnny from falling down the well and most of all a cat won't tell you that there is a malignant, cancerous growth on your spine. A dog will.
Recent studies show that dogs can smell cancer, like drugs, so be careful if you have cancer and travel via airports or you might get arrested for smuggling dope.
Now if a dog can diagnose you with cancer, save you from a house fire and then still have time to run and stop Escobar from smuggling heroin into the country why do cat lovers still believe cats are better. Cats curl up and sleep, wake up and eat, and then curl up and sleep again. Occasionally they wander over, meow until you pay attention to them and then curl up on the book you were reading and go to sleep. A dog does none of this. It comes when it's called and goes away when it is told. Cat lovers say this is because it is stupid. And cats are independent and proud. Codswallop. What sounds stupider to you? A dog that can learn a language and commands... or a cat that has a bath by licking itself?
And if a dog is so stupid for following orders what does that say about people. We obey metal signs for gods sake! Inanimate, unmoving, stickfigures smoking, or falling off a cliff or crossing the road. Humans are possibly the most evolved species on earth today, and dogs can do much of what we do. Sleep, eat, wander around ailmlessly and then obey whatever command is thrown at them. Blind, uncaring obedience.
Therefore:

Obedience + Dogs = Humans

Obedience + Cats = well... lets not go there

Some Amusing Billboards Which Probably Should be Banned

The Advertising Standards Bureau does it again

Censorship. Some of you may have heard on the news recently that the ASB has decided to ban a billboard offering services to prolong the act of lovemaking. This billboard certainly grabs your attention and then probably causes you to crash your car while you try to read the small print but I still don't think it should be banned. So why has the ASB banned it? Well, some leftie with a beard decided it offended somebody so he kicked up a stink.
Oh well.

Above you will see the offending billboard, as well as a number of others which probably will be banned if the conservatives get on to them.

Foot-In-Mouth Disease

Stay inside people, there is a new epidemic. Worse than the plague, more contagious than the flu, more adaptable than anthrax. i am talking about foot-in-mouth disease. A mutated form of foot and mouth it has jumped from cows to people, normally famous people (must be all the money) and it can be diagnosed by the following symptoms:

* The saying of stupid things at inappropriate times

* The need to run out and buy a small, ugly, handbag sized dog

* Sometimes the person carrying the infection will feel the need to run for the American presidency

Following are some example of what the infected person might say:

+ If I could read a book, I'd definitely read one of yours.

+ This is Earth. Isn't it hot?

+ For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it

+ Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

+ Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment.


**URGENT NOTE FROM THE CENTRE FOR DISEASE CONTROL**

If you see anybody exhibiting their symptoms, do not hesitate to jump on them until they stop moving.

WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING AT ME??

WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON WRITING THINGS ON THE INTERNET IN CAPS LOCK? IT IS ANNOYING AND MAKES ME FEEL AS THOUGH I AM BEING YELLED AT. IT IS ALSO INCREDIBLY HARD TO READ AT THREE IN THE MORNING. THE LETTERS ALL BLUR TOGETHER. IT IS ALSO NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL WHERE ONE SENTENCE STOPPS AND THE NEXT BEGINS SO YOU READ IT ALL IN ONE BIG BREATH THEN COLLAPSE FROM OXYGEN DEPRAVATION. AND HERE'S A TEST, LOOK AWAY FROM THE SCREEN, THEN LOOK BACK AND SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT STRAIGHT AWAY WHERE YOU WERE READING FROM. WHAT IS EVEN WORSE IS WHEN PEOPLE START WRITING IN CAPS LOCK AND USING INTERNET ABBREVIATIONS.

WHAT DO U THNK OF MY POST? IT MADE ME ROFL AND THEN I HAD TO BBS IT 2 ALL MY PPL SO WE CLD ALL LOL 2GETHER AND BE HPY.

So please do not type in caps lock. if you do I will hate you forver.

Ciao

It's not smog... we swear!

Well, it's that time of year. The Olympics have started. A chance for all Australians to take a day off work and watch a bunch of sports we haven't seen since 2004. Sports like handball and rowing and fencing. But unlike Athens, with its sense of history and fun, Beijing just feels, well, not fun. Sure you have all the events and all the excitement of watching somebody ride a bike for six hours (I'm talking about you Cadel. You could have at least won and made it worth the wait, instead of letting some Spaniard no one ever heard of take the gold). But even I, the person who watched every stage of the Tour de France, found the Men's Cycling Road Race to be dreary. The Great Wall of China was a beautiful sight, when it poked through the thick layer of, err, "mist". And when the helicopter camera started filming sweeping aerial shots of the race, it looked as though the grey blob was overtaking the other grey blob. The "mist" was so thick you could barely see anything more than three kilometers away. Hows this for a random comparison, the Rockstar Videogame "Grand Theft Auto IV" has a longer draw distance (the distance you can see in game) than the visibility in Beijing during the Mens Road Race. I can't help but get the feeling the Chinese are contemplating arresting the smog, oops, err, "mist", for being a public nuisance. They already have plans to launch artillery shells into rain clouds should rain threaten Beijing. And, in a bizarre twist of fate, I am not being hyperbolic and exaggerative here, they really do have plans to launce artillery shells filled with chemical substances to make the water heavy, and therefore fall, long before it reaches Beijing. And that sums up the Chinese government in a nutshell. Complete authoritarian control over the people, the infrastructure, speech, thoughts and now Mother Nature. or "Mumsie N." as I like to call her. And if you think Beijing is bad with all its measures to keep cars of the road (some of which involve removing the cars, others involve removing the owners), and shutting down factories and displacing thousands, just wait until London. In 2012 when London gets to host the Games, some person, probably from France, decided it might be a good idea to go one step further that our friends in Beijing and actually NOT build any carparks. Thats right, whilst Beijing has removed the car, London has removed the parking spaces. This just means that there will be 12.7 million cars and no where to put them. I can see how that will work. But, as always there is good. Beijing is still a great place and the Olympics are still fun to watch, when you can see through all that "mist" that is. And London will be cool. It will be better if the world wasn't supposed to end in December 2012... but more on that some other time.

P.S
One day I will remember the importance of paragraphs. But today, at three in the arvo witha slight hangover a slab was just so much more attractive.

Politics - A Ballad

There is a group of people who through lack of self respect
Decide on a career path even hobos would reject.
And all this job requires is moaning, whining, bitchin',
Yes of course i'm talking about the humble politician.

They stand in front of cameras mixing truth with all their lies
unaware that everybody near them sighs and rolls their eyes.
And when there is a complaint: " he didn't keep his promise!"
Enter in the Democrats to keep the bastards honest.

Every party no matter its creed
has all the one most basic need
To lie its way into public office
so sit still and listen to this:

Politics is bad, but we need it.

Why the various systems of rule fail

A problem has arisen with the world. What is the problem?
Both capitalism and communism are bad.
Why?

Because capitalism works and communism doesn't.

And so what is the solution? Something in the middle? We can see that democracy seems to work well, but only when used in conjunction with capitalism. A Communist Democracy is unheard of. And anyway, the will of the many is controlled by the will of a few. Maybe anarchy? No, that wouldn't work either. There is a good reason that anarchists have never won. They are so busy trying to be anarchists that they forget that if they won there would be nothing left to anarchise (is that even a word?). So what are we left with? Fascism, no, it uses capitalist ideals to the extreme. Republicanism. No it also uses capitalism. Socialism? No, it uses communist ideals. Monarchism? No, sorry. That wouldn't work either. Kings and Queens who own alot will ocassionally turn into vile despots. And so we come back to the start. There is no system of rule that is good. All of them are bad. None of them work. So what can we do? Absolutely nothing.

And please, if you find any systems i failed to destroy utterly, please tell me.

The Washington Conspiracy

Hello my minions.

I found this online a few days ago, thought you peeps might find it amusing. Basically, Washington D.C, which for you folks who don't know your history, was built by Freemasons, has incorporated into it's design several pentagrams. Should you be wondering i will now go into some detail about what exactly a pentagram is.

Christian View: Represesnts the five wounds of Christ.

Alchemical View: Represents the five elements, air, earth, fire, water and spirit.

Occultist View: A powerful symbol of protection, commonly used in witchcraft.

Satanic View: When flipped upside down so the single point is facing down, it represents Satan. When facing the right way up, it represents God.

Masonic View: For early stonemasons, the pentagram helped in creating a perfect arch. If you draw a perfect pentagram then you trace around it and you get a perfect arch.

So anyway, here is the map of Washington:

And there you have it. A pentagram with its tip ending right on the White House. I guess you could call it a Masonic In-Joke. And then just to add more insult to injury, there are about ten other pentagrams created around Washington.

Toodles.

Bens short essay on religion

this is a short essay on religion. It was fun to write. i hope you enjoy.

Don't get me wrong, and start to think that i'm a christian basher, becasue i'm not, but I haven't got the time to listen to the religious right bum on about hell, abortion and gay marriage. It annoys me a great deal. The anger that is prevalent in "the religion of peace" scares me. The fact that no-one wants to acknowledge this anger scares me more. People are too busy damning Islam and the terrorists who are destroying it to stop and take a look behind them at the looming threat of Fundamentalist Christianity. People, probably you, my dear reader, look at countries like Lebanon and say, "look at those damn Muslims, wrecking the place." Even though Lebanon has a pretty much 50/50 split between Islam and Christianity. So, if Christianity really is the religion of peace, why is it destroying a country from the inside out, or at least, destroying half a country. And terrorism isn't just an Islamic problem, as the media would have us believe. What about the conflict in Northen Ireland? Protestants and Catholics. What about the Ergun? The Jewish terrorists of the forties. Look at any terrorists organisation and you will see a number of religions. it's just, because Al Qaeda hit us the hardest, we feel it our moral obligation to destroy Islam. Islam is not the problem. Islam is a religion that stresses peaceful resolution. Al Qaeda is a terrorist organisation. It believes that it is doing Allah's work. No one else does, maybe some hardline Muslims. only yesterday, I heard some stupid --- down the street say "Look, they captured another Muslim terrorist. We should just round 'em all up and send them home." I pointed out that Al Qaeda had been planning its attack on the west for nearly as long as i've been alive. They sent sleeper cells all around the world long before the planes hit. There are still an estimated 70-100 Al Qaeda operatives in America (thankyou CIA), most of which are believed to have been sent here in the early nineties.
So back to my original rant, the Christian Right in my opinion is the problem. The fundamentalists who planted the nail bomb outside an abortion clinic, killing two pregnant ladies and their unborn babies (fetusus, if you wanna get technical.)
Their logic: Those women were pro-abortion therefore anti-god. That means (and i quote the testament here) "die".
my logic: by killing two unborn babies and two mothers, you just committed quadruple homicide, putting you in gods bad-books. (Thou shalt not murder, wow, i really know my Bible). And so it is, the Fundies get all the power of Washington, all the guns of the US Army, all the support of most of the people, and none of the blame for the current state of affairs. They palm that off to people like me who disagree with them.

So just before i go, i want to share one last example with you. One last injustice which got me to write this lengthy article.

The scene: Michigan.
The date: October 31st, 2003
The characters: "Mary" the schoolgirl, and "Richard" the principle. As well as twelve jurors, one state courtroom and a judge named "Frank"

Mary, a Wiccan, decided to celebrate Samhain (more commonly referred to as halloween, and one of the most important holy days on the Wiccan calendar). To celebrate, she wore a pentagram around her neck. Richard, the principle, and a "good christian" took offence to this. He suspended her for five days for "wearing inappropriate attire" when Mary explained it was religous Richard... didn't care. Upset, Mary and her parents sought legal advice. They were informed there was nothing to be done. So, mary accepted her suspension and then went back to school. Then she noticed that alot of students were wearing crosses around there necks. So she wore her pentagram again, and again got taken to richards office. Richard again suspended her, this time for ten days. Mary pointed out the fact that students were wearing crosses. Richard pointed out that it was a religious symbol and therefore he couldn't do anything. mary also pointed out hers was a religous symbol. He said it wasn't. The state of Michigan said otherwise, so suddenly mary had a case.
So began the Mary vs Richards school case. After three days in court the twelve jurors came back informing the world (or at least the courtroom) that a pentagram was a religous symbol. Richard was forced to back down, mary was given the right to wear her pentagram. "Frank" however, scolded her.
"It is sad that religioins such as this still operate in Christian America." he said.

Well, that was a marathon to write, and i doubt anybody is going to read it, but at least its off my chest.

PS: I don't dislike all christians. I am friends with alot of christians and muslims and jews. i just don't like the right, the fundamentalists, the terrorists and washington.

Why Do Some People Insisit on Existence?

Why? Why do some people feel they have the right to exist. Some people just don't deseve that right: Insurance Agents, Lawyers, Conmen (sorry, they are all the same aren't they?...ohhh, snap!)
And then the anonymous person who decided it might be productive to put an article on Wikipedia entitled
"List of Unrefined Sweeteners"
Many people will disagree when i say an article such as this only is of importance to a very small minority of people. Nobody else cares. I don't care. My left thumb doesn't care. i'm sure, were he around, Jesus wouldn't care, though i'm sure he would pretend to care to keep up his facade of, "caring guy with lovable beard".
The only reason I found it was because I though it might be cool to click "Random Article as many times as i could in he space of thirty seconds. But even sadder than that was that the guy or girl who wrote the article listed 21 references. That is 21 seperate articles relating to unrefined sweeteners.

God, why is the world so?

Stupid Headlines & Stupider Questions

People like me find themselves drawn into a shady web of intrigue and confusion when editors use headlines such as:
"Della Bosca Wrote Iguanas Apology".
Now, there are so many different interpretations of this one little headline. So many ways it could be mistook. So why is it that people give me an odd look when I ask:
"What did the Iguana do?"
So until we get a headline that is straight to the point such as:
"Della Bosca complains, then resolves issue by writing an apology to himself"
I think I am well within my rights to ask a stupid question in response to a stupid headline.

Until Next Time,
Mister. B. Gone

Things That Annoy Me # 221 ---The misuse of chimpanzees--

Chimpanzees have had a hard couple of years. Don't get me wrong, I ain't no hippiefied animal rights activist or anything of that sort, i just think chimpanzees have hard a hard rap.

What brought about this opinion?

Well, recently whilst clicking "random article" on wikipedia I stumbled across a disturbing page called "Motorcross Kids". It wasn't that bad until i noticed that one of the kids, the hairy, chimpish one, was indeed a hairy chimp.

See for yourself:

Blatant misuse of Chimpanzee.

The kid on the left is thinking something along the lines of "Wow! A chimpanzee."

The Chimp is thinking something like "Look! I have teeth."

And the chick on the right is seriously considering firing her agent. Look at that death stare its like "Johnny, when i finish this movie i'm gonna dropkick you in the larynx."

And that is just one blatant misuse of chimpanzees.

There are more but i cant be buggered to list all them. Just accept the fact that chimpanzees are being abused on set and go and picket somebody.

Take that corporate America

Whilst traversing the den of iniquity we call the internet I stumbled upon an intersting article by Maddox, a internet satirist (http://maddox.xmission.com/). Avoid this site if you are offended easily, in fact, its probably best if you just avoid this site altogether.

This article related to how much internet advertising doesn't work. Becasue copyright is fun I figured I should post his website up to give him credit.

Anyhow, below are the statistics:

Money spent on advertising courtesy of Adage.com

Internet traffic rankings courtesy of Alexa.com

--Note, the lower the ranking, the better the website--

• "KFC" spent $224, 515, 000 on advertising and ranked 33266 on the web


• "Wendy's Old Fasioned Hamburgers" spent $270,965,000 and was ranked 21984


• "Burger King" spent $336,271,000 with a ranking of 20483


• "Subway" Spent $218,685,000 and was 13937


• "Coca Cola" spent $154,360,000 and was ranked 12388


• "Pepsi" spent $170,115,000 and was ranked 9297


• "McDonalds" spent a whopping $548,250,000 on advertising and got an overall ranking of 6319


• And (drumroll please) Maddox and his "Best Page In The Universe" spent a grand total of Zero Dollars on advertising and was ranked 5892.

So my question is this, what are the big corporations doing wrong? How can it be that one abusive satirist can have more traffic than a website which spends over Five Hundred Million Dollars on advertising.

And more to the point, how can people get away with spending such obscene amounts of money trying to sell a slimy, greasy hamburger when there are still countries in the world with life expectancies not much higher than 38.

Don't fear though, every now and then one of these companies will do a "Fundraiser" to show how much they care about the world. However, even these fundraisers are sales gimmicks. If you look close enough you will see that in order to get the money (normally only a few cents from any purchase) to the charity, you have to buy a hamburger, or fries.

All the below statistics are from the McDonalds Websites. I thought it might be fun to screw them with their own stats.

So lets do the maths, last "Fundraiser" McDonalds did they pledged one dollar from every big mac sold. Now, a Big Mac costs $3.95, and assuming you buy fries and a coke which will take the value up to $5.50. So pledging one dollar from $5.50 gives you $4.50, now McDonalds serves about 47 million customers worldwide each day, and most of their promos are world wide any way, now the Big Mac would sell about 13 million units each day meaning that they will still draw in $58,500,000 dollars each day of the promo, and only give away, $13,000,000. Better than nothing I suppose. The promo ran for three weeks, during which time McDonalds saw an increase in the amount of Big Macs sold, ( though interestingly they never mention exactly what the increase was simply citing "...More than usual...").

And even their good samaritanship with the Ronald McDonald House Charity is a ploy to sell you more McDonalds. Sure they pledge a few million every now and then but that doesn't detract from the fact that it is a blatant promotional tool. The very name of it, Ronald McDonald gives it away. Not only do they use their mascot, they also use their name.

Hows this for a new promotional campaign:

Till my next rant, ta ta.

Why Life Can't Be Fair

To show you why life can't be fair i shall pose a question, state a statement, and make an accusation.

1) The Question

If life really was fair, wouldn't everybody have big houses, a fast car and heaps of money. There would be no war or famine?

2) The Statement

If life was fair, every time an old man died, an old man in every other family would die. And every time a baby was born, a baby in every other family would be born. The population of the world would both become extinct and to large in the same day.

3) The Accusation

Considering the fact that you want fairness and equality and everything to be shared, i assume you are a Commie.

Go figure.

Eskimo Rap

Yo yo yo its an Eskimo
He's cool fo' sho'
And his rhymes just flow

They build igloos
and they have a strong resistant to the flu
Just one question, "Where's the loo?"

For you chaps who don't know jargon
Your excused you have a pardon
The sunflower lights up the garden
Outside of the Igloo.

And Eskimos have good fashion sense
They wore big hoodies before it was a trend
Just don't lend clothig to a friend
Cos friends suck and steal your clothes.

And cos im bored this rap shall end
I must go, i have a wedding to attend
So please choose three folks then click send
And send it to three people.

Postman Pat Lyrics

Postman Pat. Postman Pat. Postman Pat and his black and white cat.

Early in the morning, just as day is dawning, he picks up all the post bags in his van.

Postman Pat. Postman Pat. Postman Pat and his black and white cat.A
ll the birds are singing, and the day is just beginning.
Pat feels he's a really happy man.
Everybody knows his bright red van, all his friends will smile as he waves to greet them, Maybe, you can never be sure, there'll be knock (knock knock)Ring (ring ring). Letters through your door. (Hee Hee).Postman Pat. Postman Pat. Postman Pat and his black and white cat.All the birds are singing, and the day is just beginning. Pat feels he's a really happy man.

Doobie and the Pencil

Once upon a time there lived a man named Doobie. Doobie was a simple man who didn't really care much about politics. In fact he cared so little about politics that he had never voted in his life. However, he was alway the first person to complain when the wrong politican got voted in. One day the police came to his door and he was escorted down the jail. You see, because he didn't vote, a hardline right winged fascist politician with a penchant for omletts was elected. This hardline right wing fascist politician with a penchant for omletts introduced a bill decalring that those who did not vote were to be hung.

So it was that Doobie was hung, and the moral is. VOTE!

The Wall of Morons

Here is the 'Wall of Morons' a list of people and places and things which I percieve to be moronic. if you take offence to this or if you disagree with the list, well, tough. Post an angry comment and I might change it.

1. Kim Jong Il
2. George W Bush
3. John Howard
4. Morris Iemma
5. Gordon Brown
6. The Royal Family
7. Supermodels
8. Rev. Ian Paisley
9. The Westboro Baptist Church
10. The Vatican
11. Margaret Thatcher
12. Shannon Noll
13. Scientologists
14. The Right Wing
15. The Man Who Invented Sandals (make up your mind people, thongs or shoes, you can't have both)
16. Anybody who does not agree with me

There will be pictures up soon, unless you are reading this after I put the pictures up, in which case the pictures are up now.

Amusing Statistics

Hello whoever you are, here are some amusing facts:

• 6% of all lost remote controls are later found in the fridge
• Americans eat on average, 18 acres of pizza each day
• Every time you lick a stamp you consume 1/10 of a calorie
• In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes!
• Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second!
• There are approximately fifty Bibles sold each minute across the world
• An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards
• In Texas, it's against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession
• In Utah, birds have the right of way on any public highway.
• In Washington State, you can't carry a concealed weapon that is over 6 feet in length.
• It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Arkansas in that State.

I really liked that crazy cow i do hope in future the farmer kills the crazy cow first or he might be next.

Ben

Yes

what did the skeleton say before eating

I dont know Tim what

Boneappitite

BREAKING NEWS

Due to the alarming number of news stories being broken, the management has issued this memo as a warning to all staff. Any staff member found to be deliberatly breaking the news will be immediately fired and possibly have legal action taken up against them. Note that buying new news is expensive and repairing already broken news is even more so.

Thank You-
The Management

The New World Order

THE BENNIST MANIFESTO

Please remember that it is considered good manners to wear pants at social occasssions which require the wearing of pants.

If you so feel the urge, do not hesitate to paint a black horse with white stripes and claim on national telivision that it is a zebra.

If a republican stands next to you, kick him in the shins, likewise with a liberal.

Remember, if a zooter is a zonker and a zonker is a zipper, then it is true that all zooters are zippers

If somebody calls an "umbrella" a "parasol" you must lecture them on the folly of their ways.

So Ends The Bennist Manifesto

Hello Sir Blogalot thanx for the invite but inviting me makes you as crazy me hahahahaha you crazy hahahaha

Hello Everybody

Hello everybody. For those of you who neglected to read the title of this post 'hello everbody' is the title. So there you go. If you ever wondered about titles they are quirky things. The proper definition of title is "a general or descriptive heading for a section of a written work". Which as you may have noticed (or not if you happen to be an idiot) this is. Oh how fun.
Well anyway, this post has been rather pointless, so I guess i will shut up and go stare at old people for a while.

A Story About Shoes

Once upon a time there lived a left shoe. His brother, the right shoe lived with him, in the same box under the bed. One day the owner decided he needed new shoes, so he threw the two shoes out. They became seperated and wracked by desperate poverty. They both lived at the garbage dump for several years before disease and rats finally took hold. They withered away and were buried under a pile of old newspapers shortly after.



The Moral of the story?


Shoes suck.

First blog

This is blog my ride, and this is the very first blog.
if you don't like it...Blog Off.