Why People Who Are'nt Interesting Should Shut The Hell Up

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, but there is a new and insidious threat to society. This isn’t some religious nutcase from halfway across the world, nor is it punk kids and their satanic music, it isn’t even well off people driving in the city with 4WD Range Rovers. This is much worse because it directly affects me. I am talking about boring people who insist on telling boring stories, and partaking in boring activities like crochet and cataloguing things. They even have the innate ability to make even fun things such as life boring. The worse thing about them is they do not even realise how boring they are. A whole room of people could top themselves and they wouldn’t care, or notice. No, they would just keep on ploughing through an hour long story about their great grandchildren’s curtains. So, as a public service I decided to make a small list of things NOT to bring up in conversation:

· Tip number one: Your children, or children who are related to you. People seem to think that because I am a fellow human I want to hear about their children’s trip to the dentist. Trust me, I don’t. Most other people don’t either. So don’t bring it up unless it leads on to something more interesting. Here is an example of what not to do:

YOU: My child went to the dentist yesterday.

ME: Really, that’s so.... Really?

YOU: Yeah, turns out that he needed to get a filling done, and then we had to sit there for like....

ME: (Slowly goes into hibernation until you leave.)




A much better story would be:

YOU: My child went to the dentist yesterday.

ME: Really, that’s so.... Really?

YOU: Yeah, when we got there he was standing on the roof singing “What A Wonderful World” throwing chicken nuggets at the onlookers.

ME: (Actively listens throughout the remainder of
your story and then makes some amusing gaffe about prostate cancer.)


The overall thing to remember is: if your story is not interesting then do not tell it. People will hate you if you do. They will spread rumours about what you did with that pickle and then they will kick you in the spleen.



· Tip number two: People never cease to amaze me when they leave for a few minutes and then return and assume we are still talking about the same subject. They then plough headlong into a conversation about Honduras, assuming we are still talking about Rollerblades. The effect is similar to a head on collision between a Fiat and a tank. By the time you get to the driver of the Fiat it’s already to late to save them. This means that a good conversation about Honduras has been ruined by some buffoon who enters saying: “One time I fell over and kicked myself in the head with my rollerblades.” This is annoying, confusing, and most of all, boring. It means that you have to, for the sake of being polite, re-enter into conversation about rollerblades even though you have since moved on. The second moral of this story is don’t buy a Fiat. Unless it is a Panda. The Fiat Panda is quite possibly the most brilliant invention ever.



· Tip number three: Contrary to popular belief, not all jokes are funny. This is the same for people. Some people are very unfunny and must therefore never tell a joke, for if they do the joke is tainted and will never be funny again. People who tell an unfunny joke, or tell a funny joke in a way that makes it unfunny deserve to be bludgeoned with a watermelon. There is also a time and a place you do and don’t tell jokes. When Nelson Mandela got out of prison and became president he didn’t go over to the microphone and say: “So a priest, a rabbi and an aardvark all walk into a bar...”. Another prime example is at funerals. Now, there is no easy way to tell if you are one of the “Funny” people, or if you are a member of the “Unfunny” people. Have a conversation and drop a few jokes. If people laugh at you then you are funny. If people karate chop you in the lung, you are unfunny.



So there you have it. Three hot tips to not being boring. Lets recap:

· Don’t tell boring stories about boring topics.

· Don’t spontaneously burst into conversation about a completely new topic, and don’t leave and then return assuming the topic hasn’t changed. It has.

· Don’t tell unfunny jokes. If you are an unfortunate member of the “unfunny” group of homo sapiens, it is best if you don’t talk at all.

Follow this advice and you will find that people will actually like you, instead of just pretending to like you. You will also find that you will be punched in the face 30 percent less.