Why People Who Are'nt Interesting Should Shut The Hell Up

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, but there is a new and insidious threat to society. This isn’t some religious nutcase from halfway across the world, nor is it punk kids and their satanic music, it isn’t even well off people driving in the city with 4WD Range Rovers. This is much worse because it directly affects me. I am talking about boring people who insist on telling boring stories, and partaking in boring activities like crochet and cataloguing things. They even have the innate ability to make even fun things such as life boring. The worse thing about them is they do not even realise how boring they are. A whole room of people could top themselves and they wouldn’t care, or notice. No, they would just keep on ploughing through an hour long story about their great grandchildren’s curtains. So, as a public service I decided to make a small list of things NOT to bring up in conversation:

· Tip number one: Your children, or children who are related to you. People seem to think that because I am a fellow human I want to hear about their children’s trip to the dentist. Trust me, I don’t. Most other people don’t either. So don’t bring it up unless it leads on to something more interesting. Here is an example of what not to do:

YOU: My child went to the dentist yesterday.

ME: Really, that’s so.... Really?

YOU: Yeah, turns out that he needed to get a filling done, and then we had to sit there for like....

ME: (Slowly goes into hibernation until you leave.)




A much better story would be:

YOU: My child went to the dentist yesterday.

ME: Really, that’s so.... Really?

YOU: Yeah, when we got there he was standing on the roof singing “What A Wonderful World” throwing chicken nuggets at the onlookers.

ME: (Actively listens throughout the remainder of
your story and then makes some amusing gaffe about prostate cancer.)


The overall thing to remember is: if your story is not interesting then do not tell it. People will hate you if you do. They will spread rumours about what you did with that pickle and then they will kick you in the spleen.



· Tip number two: People never cease to amaze me when they leave for a few minutes and then return and assume we are still talking about the same subject. They then plough headlong into a conversation about Honduras, assuming we are still talking about Rollerblades. The effect is similar to a head on collision between a Fiat and a tank. By the time you get to the driver of the Fiat it’s already to late to save them. This means that a good conversation about Honduras has been ruined by some buffoon who enters saying: “One time I fell over and kicked myself in the head with my rollerblades.” This is annoying, confusing, and most of all, boring. It means that you have to, for the sake of being polite, re-enter into conversation about rollerblades even though you have since moved on. The second moral of this story is don’t buy a Fiat. Unless it is a Panda. The Fiat Panda is quite possibly the most brilliant invention ever.



· Tip number three: Contrary to popular belief, not all jokes are funny. This is the same for people. Some people are very unfunny and must therefore never tell a joke, for if they do the joke is tainted and will never be funny again. People who tell an unfunny joke, or tell a funny joke in a way that makes it unfunny deserve to be bludgeoned with a watermelon. There is also a time and a place you do and don’t tell jokes. When Nelson Mandela got out of prison and became president he didn’t go over to the microphone and say: “So a priest, a rabbi and an aardvark all walk into a bar...”. Another prime example is at funerals. Now, there is no easy way to tell if you are one of the “Funny” people, or if you are a member of the “Unfunny” people. Have a conversation and drop a few jokes. If people laugh at you then you are funny. If people karate chop you in the lung, you are unfunny.



So there you have it. Three hot tips to not being boring. Lets recap:

· Don’t tell boring stories about boring topics.

· Don’t spontaneously burst into conversation about a completely new topic, and don’t leave and then return assuming the topic hasn’t changed. It has.

· Don’t tell unfunny jokes. If you are an unfortunate member of the “unfunny” group of homo sapiens, it is best if you don’t talk at all.

Follow this advice and you will find that people will actually like you, instead of just pretending to like you. You will also find that you will be punched in the face 30 percent less.

Why the Matrix was right

It's been a while since I wrote anything of substance on this blog. But I'll change that here by writing an article so awesome it will explode your head.
In the next few lines I am going to make you stop and say 'wow'. I will literally tear apart the fabric of time and space and single handedly destroy all matter. How? Well, I am going to, with the help of my alter ego Paddy O'Carrington reveal a startling revelation. One which beats all those boring revalations made in the Bible. I am going to show why the Matrix was right about reality.

INT. LOUNGEROOM - DAY

PADDY is sitting on the couch. Ben walks in.

PADDY:

Oh, hi Ben. How are you?

BEN: Shut up and listen.

PADDY:

Excuse me?

(BEN slaps PADDY)

BEN:

Shh.

PADDY:

Okay.

BEN:

I just had an efinapy.

PADDY:

A what?

BEN:

An efinapy.

PADDY:

I... I... a what?

BEN:

Efinapy. Are you deaf or just stupid.

PADDY:

I'm Irish.

BEN:

Oh.

PADDY:

Do you mean epiphany?

BEN:

No. Maybe.

PADDY:

Go on.

BEN:

Yeah. I just realised that all the world is false. A fake. A giant con.

PADDY:

And how did you figure that?

BEN:

Phisolophy.

PADDY:

Do you mean... oh never mind.

BEN:

I used logic.

PADDY:

Good for you.

BEN:

Mmm. You see:

Reality is what we perceive

Everybody perceives reality different

Therefore there can be no "One" reality, or the 'real' reality

PADDY:

Far out.

BEN:

Yeah baby. I just disproved life.

(PADDY claps appreciatively)

So there you go. I just proved reality is a false concept. Bet Einstein never did that. Bumming on with all his voodoo and Quasars and Quantum theory. All of it is simply his perception of the universe.

When i feel like it i'll post a article which explains what to do about this reality concept. If it is true then it would explain all kinds of funky stuff. More on that later but.

Aloha

(the goodbye aloha not the hello aloha. Now why are you still here. Go away. Shoo. Goodbye. Thank God I thought you'd never leave.)

The graveyard shuffle

My latest piece of artwork. "The graveyard Shuffle"

halloween

It's Halloween soon, 38 days at the time of me writing this. For me its an excuse to write about spooky shit and draw pictures of monsters. Below is Evil Joe and Ricky Bob. My first attempt at Halloween-Art.

Woo-oooo-ooooo

Did it just get cold in here?

Cats

Why do cat lovers insist on spruking on about how good cats are and about how cats are so much better than dogs. A cat won't come when called, a cat won't save little Johnny from falling down the well and most of all a cat won't tell you that there is a malignant, cancerous growth on your spine. A dog will.
Recent studies show that dogs can smell cancer, like drugs, so be careful if you have cancer and travel via airports or you might get arrested for smuggling dope.
Now if a dog can diagnose you with cancer, save you from a house fire and then still have time to run and stop Escobar from smuggling heroin into the country why do cat lovers still believe cats are better. Cats curl up and sleep, wake up and eat, and then curl up and sleep again. Occasionally they wander over, meow until you pay attention to them and then curl up on the book you were reading and go to sleep. A dog does none of this. It comes when it's called and goes away when it is told. Cat lovers say this is because it is stupid. And cats are independent and proud. Codswallop. What sounds stupider to you? A dog that can learn a language and commands... or a cat that has a bath by licking itself?
And if a dog is so stupid for following orders what does that say about people. We obey metal signs for gods sake! Inanimate, unmoving, stickfigures smoking, or falling off a cliff or crossing the road. Humans are possibly the most evolved species on earth today, and dogs can do much of what we do. Sleep, eat, wander around ailmlessly and then obey whatever command is thrown at them. Blind, uncaring obedience.
Therefore:

Obedience + Dogs = Humans

Obedience + Cats = well... lets not go there

Some Amusing Billboards Which Probably Should be Banned

The Advertising Standards Bureau does it again

Censorship. Some of you may have heard on the news recently that the ASB has decided to ban a billboard offering services to prolong the act of lovemaking. This billboard certainly grabs your attention and then probably causes you to crash your car while you try to read the small print but I still don't think it should be banned. So why has the ASB banned it? Well, some leftie with a beard decided it offended somebody so he kicked up a stink.
Oh well.

Above you will see the offending billboard, as well as a number of others which probably will be banned if the conservatives get on to them.

Foot-In-Mouth Disease

Stay inside people, there is a new epidemic. Worse than the plague, more contagious than the flu, more adaptable than anthrax. i am talking about foot-in-mouth disease. A mutated form of foot and mouth it has jumped from cows to people, normally famous people (must be all the money) and it can be diagnosed by the following symptoms:

* The saying of stupid things at inappropriate times

* The need to run out and buy a small, ugly, handbag sized dog

* Sometimes the person carrying the infection will feel the need to run for the American presidency

Following are some example of what the infected person might say:

+ If I could read a book, I'd definitely read one of yours.

+ This is Earth. Isn't it hot?

+ For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it

+ Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

+ Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment.


**URGENT NOTE FROM THE CENTRE FOR DISEASE CONTROL**

If you see anybody exhibiting their symptoms, do not hesitate to jump on them until they stop moving.

WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING AT ME??

WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON WRITING THINGS ON THE INTERNET IN CAPS LOCK? IT IS ANNOYING AND MAKES ME FEEL AS THOUGH I AM BEING YELLED AT. IT IS ALSO INCREDIBLY HARD TO READ AT THREE IN THE MORNING. THE LETTERS ALL BLUR TOGETHER. IT IS ALSO NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL WHERE ONE SENTENCE STOPPS AND THE NEXT BEGINS SO YOU READ IT ALL IN ONE BIG BREATH THEN COLLAPSE FROM OXYGEN DEPRAVATION. AND HERE'S A TEST, LOOK AWAY FROM THE SCREEN, THEN LOOK BACK AND SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT STRAIGHT AWAY WHERE YOU WERE READING FROM. WHAT IS EVEN WORSE IS WHEN PEOPLE START WRITING IN CAPS LOCK AND USING INTERNET ABBREVIATIONS.

WHAT DO U THNK OF MY POST? IT MADE ME ROFL AND THEN I HAD TO BBS IT 2 ALL MY PPL SO WE CLD ALL LOL 2GETHER AND BE HPY.

So please do not type in caps lock. if you do I will hate you forver.

Ciao

It's not smog... we swear!

Well, it's that time of year. The Olympics have started. A chance for all Australians to take a day off work and watch a bunch of sports we haven't seen since 2004. Sports like handball and rowing and fencing. But unlike Athens, with its sense of history and fun, Beijing just feels, well, not fun. Sure you have all the events and all the excitement of watching somebody ride a bike for six hours (I'm talking about you Cadel. You could have at least won and made it worth the wait, instead of letting some Spaniard no one ever heard of take the gold). But even I, the person who watched every stage of the Tour de France, found the Men's Cycling Road Race to be dreary. The Great Wall of China was a beautiful sight, when it poked through the thick layer of, err, "mist". And when the helicopter camera started filming sweeping aerial shots of the race, it looked as though the grey blob was overtaking the other grey blob. The "mist" was so thick you could barely see anything more than three kilometers away. Hows this for a random comparison, the Rockstar Videogame "Grand Theft Auto IV" has a longer draw distance (the distance you can see in game) than the visibility in Beijing during the Mens Road Race. I can't help but get the feeling the Chinese are contemplating arresting the smog, oops, err, "mist", for being a public nuisance. They already have plans to launch artillery shells into rain clouds should rain threaten Beijing. And, in a bizarre twist of fate, I am not being hyperbolic and exaggerative here, they really do have plans to launce artillery shells filled with chemical substances to make the water heavy, and therefore fall, long before it reaches Beijing. And that sums up the Chinese government in a nutshell. Complete authoritarian control over the people, the infrastructure, speech, thoughts and now Mother Nature. or "Mumsie N." as I like to call her. And if you think Beijing is bad with all its measures to keep cars of the road (some of which involve removing the cars, others involve removing the owners), and shutting down factories and displacing thousands, just wait until London. In 2012 when London gets to host the Games, some person, probably from France, decided it might be a good idea to go one step further that our friends in Beijing and actually NOT build any carparks. Thats right, whilst Beijing has removed the car, London has removed the parking spaces. This just means that there will be 12.7 million cars and no where to put them. I can see how that will work. But, as always there is good. Beijing is still a great place and the Olympics are still fun to watch, when you can see through all that "mist" that is. And London will be cool. It will be better if the world wasn't supposed to end in December 2012... but more on that some other time.

P.S
One day I will remember the importance of paragraphs. But today, at three in the arvo witha slight hangover a slab was just so much more attractive.