Mutterings on Life

Mutterings On Life


I lay in bed late last night, tangled in the sheets and unable to get to sleep because by the time I got comfortable I was wide awake again. I suddenly decided, “screw it, I’ll stay up”. After spending the next three minutes figuring out how to get out of the all encompassing cocoon that was my bed sheet I was back out in the lounge room. After flicking through the channels and deciding that no, I didn’t really wish to buy the FlavorWave Oven ™, even though Mr. T was trying his hardest to sell it to me I realised that it was going to be a long night.

MIDNIGHT: I decided at about ten to twelve that it was going to be a long boring night if I didn’t do something fun. Most sane people would have simply jumped on the nearest computer and watched pointless, yet strangely compelling videos on YouTube. I decided to spend the next six hours fixing the worlds problems. So I set down a few rules.

1) Only one hour per issue, starting at midnight and finishing at six a.m.
2) No research, I must solve the problems using only my own knowledge of the issue.
3) Each issue must be explored openly and NOT from my own left leaning biased interpretations.

So with these rules in place I sat down and started.


12 AM – ISSUE ONE: GLOBAL POVERTY

I was really hungry so after fixing myself some toast and orange juice poverty seemed the logical place to start. We all know from reliable sources (namely Bono) that poverty is a real issue in the world and one that I don’t know much about. I do know that thanks to charities, none of which I can name from memory, one, maybe two children are saved per donation. A few more donations and suddenly a village has a well and an infrastructure and a school. A whole Oprah and everybody in the village gets a new car. This led me to the conclusion that thirty dollars a month wasn’t that much for what we take for basic amenities. In fact I did the math. I spend $15 on lunch at TAFE. Therefore, if I pack my lunch I might save $10 (factoring in the cost of the materials, bread, cheese etc) in four weeks (one month) I’d have $40 dollars. If five others did this then that’s $200 a month. That’s a well in a few months. That’s food for an entire village. In fact I might actually start doing this because after a few more quick sums I realised that in one year I’d send $480 to somebody who needs it more than me. If those five other people kept it up also then we’d send a whopping $2400. Five people in one year saving ten dollars a week would send over two grand not to an African, but to a Human Being, one who will die without it.


Well, that took half an hour, and now I’m a bit depressed so to cheer myself up I decide to try my hand at storming the beaches of Normandy on the Playstation. After single-handedly winning WW2 by pistol-whipping Hitler it’s almost one am.


1 AM – ISSUE TWO: WAR

I’m neither soldier, general nor politician. I do not know, nor hopefully ever will know true conditions on the frontline of a battle. Hollywood tries to show me, books by former soldiers try to explain it, but nothing will prepare you for the sight of your best mate stepping on a landmine and in the blink of an eye ceasing to exist. Hip Hop band ‘The Herd’ sums it up best in their remake of protest song ‘I was only 19’.

“You see the ANZAC legend neglected to mention: the mud, the sweat, the tears, the blood, the tension, dads recollection beyond comprehension, didn’t seem quite real ‘till we were sent in”

But what can we do to put an end to war? This one had me stumped. Many people have come up with various theories, ranging from the implementation of a ‘One World Government’ to a simple statement of “It can’t be done”. I’m sitting here and ten minutes have passed since I last typed something. I don’t have an answer. No matter how hard I wrack my brains I can’t find a solution to war. Even if say, the Dutch eradicated all other forms of human life so only the Dutch people of a certain mindset existed how long would it be before a disagreement on how to run the Dutch erupted. How long until a group of Dutch broke away to form their own Dutch Country. How long until conflicting interests sparked these two countries to war? With time running out I’m afraid that there is no solution to war. The best we can do is try lessening the impact on civilians.

Well, it’s a few minutes to two so I’ve got just enough time to dash to the loo, trip over the cat and get another glass of orange juice.


2 AM – ISSUE THREE: THE ENVIRONMENT


Halfway there. Its hard to get motivated to write something at two am. The environment is an easy one so I’ll get it out of the way and drink a gallon of coffee. Unlike war, which is never going to cease, the environment is a simple fix. All the governments need to stand up, take a hit to the wallet and act very quickly. Shut down coal mines, speed up the production of hybrid cars, offer money to people who trade in petrol cars for electric or hydrogen ones, start investing in clean energy and stop our over-reliance on oil. We in the last century have made it to the moon and back, several times, we have built super highways and computers and cars and sky scrapers and now we have filled ourselves with a dangerous arrogance that leads us to think that we actually control the planet. Trust me, we don’t. We are simply another species. And like every other species we live in danger of extinction. Of course the percentage chance of us going extinct is less than half of half a percent but still there is a chance. We have all seen the terrifying wrath of Mother Nature in the past years. The recent bushfires that saw entire towns destroyed. Hurricane Katrina which saw an entire city flooded, droughts in the Saharan regions which may see the phenomenon of creeping sands, where the desert expands and engulfs all in its path. Closer to home rising sea levels which may see the end of entire cultures in the Pacific. Maybe we can’t stop this from happening and worsening, but who are we if we don’t try? Carpool, waste less, recycle more, use public transport, Get solar panels and then even if the world does still go to shit you can say “oh well, at least I tried.”


That took up most of the time allocated. I look out the window. It’s frosted over. I’m momentarily startled by the person standing there peeping in until I realise its just my reflection. Behind me the clock we have which does a different bird call for every hour starts chirping. It’s a Blue Jay this time.


3 AM - ISSUE FOUR: TERRORISM

On September 11, 2001 the world changed. Suddenly a war, which until then was confined to the Middle East, spilled across the borders into the safe little manicured lawns of middle-income suburbia. We all remember the tragic scenes that greeted us when we woke from our slumber and turned on the morning news. We all remember that creeping fear that started at your lower back and spread up to your head. That cold tingle which pricked all the hair on your neck. “How?” we asked. “How did they hit us so hard? We are the WEST for crying out loud. They’re just opium growers and goat herders… aren’t they?”
Then the shock turned to sadness, then the sadness to anger and when all the angry words were said and you were left cold and empty the sadness returned. Questions were asked, Why? How? Who? And then the anger returned. Bush fooled us all into Iraq, we didn’t learn from earlier mistakes and simply moved all our stuff from Saigon to Bagdad. In the first half hour of the bombing of Bagdad American cruise missiles killed more civilians than 9/11. The bombing lasted all night. At the time I was 11 and didn’t understand. Now I think I have a basic comprehension of why this happened. America’s foreign policy has seen it make more enemies than friends. When the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan America supplied Taliban fighters with guns and rockets. American CIA agents trained them up to be perfect little killing machines. September 11 was Extremist Islam’s way of saying, “We are here, and we are willing to fight. Thank you for training us. Thank you for supplying us. Now we’re going to destroy all you stupid, ignorant and totally worthless infidels”. Al Qaeda didn’t have access to multi-million dollar cruise missiles, so they improvised, with an airplane. That improvisation makes them an almost impossible enemy to fight. What is a soldier to do when a teddy bear on the side of the road explodes, killing countless people? Or when a simple ‘goat herder’ blows himself up. In Northern Ireland the IRA used to hide a bomb under the bomb. The first bomb was connected to the second so when it was defused the second bomb exploded.
When a police car accidentally drove into funeral procession for a dead IRA man the officers were dragged out of the car and the circling news helicopter broadcast live to the people horrifying images of two IRA men emerging from the crowd, blindfolding the two men and shooting them in the head. The gunmen disappeared back into the crowd and were never apprehended. What does all this tell us about terrorist organizations. Ultimately, whilst ever a terrorist organization has the support of the people, as Al Qaeda did in Afghanistan, as the IRA had in Northern Ireland they will be unbeatable. The only way to win the war against terrorism is to win the support of the Muslim world. Win the people over and the terrorists have no recruits.

Getting tired now. I’m making more and more mistakes. Little things like misspellings and pushing the wrong key. It leads to sentences like: The onlty way to win to war on terorism is to win over the pwople.

4 AM – ISSUE FIVE: THE GLOBAL ECONOMY

The economy appears to be broken. Just an observation. We owe a lot of money to people who owe a lot of money to other people. As much as I’d like to take the credit for the solution to this issue the answer comes from The Fitz Files last week.

“There is a small French village. A Russian millionaire comes and decides to check out the hotel. He puts down the hundred dollar deposit and goes to check out the room. The hotel owner rushes off and pays the local chef the hundred dollars he owes him. The chef runs off to the wholesaler and pays the wholesaler the hundred dollars he owes him, the wholesaler runs off and pays the farmer the hundred dollars he owes him, the farmer runs to the hotel owner to pay him the hundred dollars he owes him. The Russian millionaire comes back down, decides he doesn’t like the room, takes his hundred dollars back and leaves. During his brief stay nobody made any money, but everybody paid off their debts.”

And there you have it, the solution to the global economic crisis. But seeing as that wasn’t MY solution I figure I had better come up with something myself. It’s late and my mind is apparently hibernating so this is the best I could come up with:

“There is a small American town. It owes a lot of people a lot of money and knows it can’t pay it off. It decides to invade the nearest town and take their stuff and pawn it off. It realises that this war business makes it a lot of money so it invades the next nearest town. Suddenly over in Europe a tyrant emerges and conquers half the world. American Town sees this as an opportunity and saves the world, making billions in defence contracts as it does so.”

So there you go. If America can enter another world war and make as much money as it did last time it can lend us money to pay off our other debts. Think of it as getting a credit card to pay off the credit card. Actually no, that’s a really bad idea, go with FitzSimons one.




One last hour. After a toilet break I sit back down and stare at the computer. Dad wakes up and walks out. The conversation goes something like this.

DAD: What the hell?

ME: Can’t sleep, solving the worlds problems.

DAD: What the hell?


5 AM – ISSUE SIX: RIGHT TO LIFE

This was hard. It was a toss up between Right To Life and The Global Arms Trade (guns, not… oh never mind). I briefly considered tacking on an extra hour and doing both but the rules were quite clear. In hindsight I could have just changed the rules but at five in the morning it just makes sense not to.

Right to Life is a very touchy subject. One the one side you have Pro Lifers who think that abortion, stem cell research and fiddling with pieces of people is a cruel, inhumane and ultimately evil act as it constitutes murder. In the Blue Corner we have doctors and scientists and umm…. Anti Lifers? They believe that by using foetuses for experiments they may well cure cancer or some other miraculous feat. Well what is my grand solution? Do we prevent women from having abortions as it may make them more sexually active knowing they have a ‘parachute’? Do we allow abortions? Do we allow stem cell research or not? Most people base their convictions on a religious stance, or lack of one. Christians state that we are killing babies, destroying their souls and condemning ourselves to hell. Scientists say that by stopping this research due to religious beliefs is stupid and may cost lives. The scientists so far are closer to the mark. There have been well over twenty and probably a lot more killings. There was that guy who placed a nail bomb outside an abortion clinic. He killed a doctor and two pregnant ladies. The nails were so destructive DNA testing was required to make an identification. In fact, I can’t seem to recall a single Pro Lifer getting murdered. Not one. So maybe the solution is to let the women decide. In America it plainly states that Church and State must be kept separate so the Pro Lifers arguments simple cannot be used to justify legislation. They claim they are a Christian nation but for how much longer (here comes my favourite statistic ever): If current religious trends continue, by 2020 America will be an Islamic nation. Second place will go to Buddhism, third place to Christianity and Fourth place, surprisingly, to neo-pagan religion Wicca, which is doubling its numbers every year and a half. Therefore the solution is to let the individuals decide on abortion, because America is not as Christian as it likes to believe. If you are religious don’t get an abortion. But the option is there. As for stem cell research and foetus experiments - Stem Cell is fine, because it can be taken from living tissue. There is no issue there. The foetus argument is stupid because, whilst yes it may one day it may be a person until it is in the later stages of pregnancy it isn’t a person. It is a small amorphous blob of tissue. Simple as that. Until several months in it has no awareness or thought process or anything. It simply isn’t alive. And preventing it from living is no more selfish than executing a person. A person is a person, and a foetus is not.


As I typed this a strange thing happened. The kitchen grew brighter. The sun slowly rose. I made it through the night. I solved the worlds problems.





6 AM – THE END

I learned a lot during the night. A lot about myself and my own personal views, a lot about the world I’m living in and a lot about the night. Daylight is open and sociable, but night brings down the black blanket, which gives you the privacy needed to spend six hours solving the world’s problems. Its only after I finish that I realise how much ground there is to cover. How many more issues need solving. I didn’t get the chance to look at the Israeli-Palestinian crisis, the plight of the Chinese citizens, the rise of New Russia, the destruction of the Amazon. It’s with a heavy heart I begin to realise there is going to be a few sleepless nights ahead of me.


Till next time
Au Revoir

Turns out I'm an inconsistent bufoon

Ignore this blog. It is a personal link for me, go there if you want but i'm putting it here because I need somwehere to put it and i'm at TAFE so my favourites aren't with me.

http://www.philosophersnet.com/games/god.htm

The perils of Babel Fish Translator

Recently whilst trying to translate large slabs of Dutch into English (don't ask why, it's a secret) I discovered something awesome. Babel Fish Translator sucks, and the more you translate the funnier it gets. Here's a classic example:

"There was a man who lived in a yellow house. One day he decided to go and buy an apple from the store. As he walked along he met a woman who was driving a car. She stopped an gave him a lift. He bought his apple and then went home to enjoy it."

A fairly simple paragraph. Simple sentences, simple words. You'd think after being translated from English to French, to Italian, to German, to Dutch, to Spanish, to French again and then back to English it would resemble the original story...it doesn't:

"It has given a man who has lived in a yellow house. During a day it has d' ; to decide; an apple of the warehouse to buy to go. During the qu' ; it has gone the length meets to a woman who has lead a machine. It s' it is lead stopped. He has bought its apple and it has been returned then to the house for l' ; to think."

Heres another example:

"Once upon a time there lived a man named Jesus. One day Jesus decided he wanted to fulfill the great prophecy and go out to do the things the son of god would be expected to do. After a few years of ressurecting people and healing the sick he went to heaven."

To:

"Once in the period of the appointed person lived there of [iisus]. One day [iisus] of the certain qu' it wanted to realise the large prophecy, and from fact of the things will come out its [ozhidano], makes the son of the God. After a little the ressurectingsjahren peoples, and around itself from the patient to sound is at the Paradies."

So as you can see, don;t use Babel Fish Translator.

If you want to use Babel Fish Translator the link can be found here.

Religious Discrimination - is it fair to fight back?

I'm a bit angry. Another week, another tale of religious discrimination coming out of the grand country the US of A. below is a number of websites i've found which are attempting to absolutly demolish all forms of religious discrimination in America. It is scary, occasionally funny and then just downright scary (if your child eats Count Chocula cereal he is a goth and devil worshipper). As far as I can see the main cause of religious discrimination comes from Christianity. Normally I wouldn't point fingers like this and I try to be all politically correct but right now i'm annoyed. The average American christian is a hardworking, honest individual. However there are over three hundred thousand who let nothing but hatred spew out of their mouths. Hatred and fear and pathetic whining about pointless things such as whose God is THE God. It doesn't matter until it is widespread and common, as it is now.
For the first time ever you will see my radical side on this blog. Fight back. We need to demolish this kind of thinking in the world. Three Hundred Thousand American Christians who feel hatred for "satanic' religions such as Islam, Buddhism, Wicca, neo-paganism, Sikhism and pretty much any other religion that is not Christian. So my question, what to do? Do we do the Jesus thing and turn the other cheek? Do we do the Crusades all over again and destroy as many of 'them' as possible? Or do we try a bit of Ghandi and do things peacefully?
I don't care who you are, what your religion is or what your beliefs are on this topic but please comment if you read this. I was attacked on the internet the other day because of my beliefs. i have received angry emails from stupid idiots who think they are going to save my soul. I know people who have been physically attacked because the expressed their beliefs to openly. It shouldn't be like this. It is sad and makes me ashamed to call myself human. A seventeen year old boy was hit in the face with a two kilogram block of ice from a esky because he was wearing a pentagram (if you don't know what that is go to the bottom of this page). Thats what happens when a non-christian goes to christmas carols.
As you can probably see my views on Christianiy are a bit...shady. I don't Christianity, it is an example of religion gone mad. If I offend you, sorry... Sometimes the truth hurts.

See these links below. Visit them. Do it. now.

http://atheism.about.com/library/FAQs/christian/blfaq_viol_wicca.htm

http://kimbers.bravepages.com/rblog/2004/07/discrimination-alert.html

Halloween--A ploy to sell more candy or a legitimate holiday?

I was talking to somebody the other day (no names...Randy) who was of the opinion that Halloween was a shameless ploy by corporate America to sell lots of candy. This person (Randy) just wouldn't believe that Halloween is a legitimate holiday. Needless to say I crushed this person (Randy) with a solidly constructed arguement, my wit and sarcasm and my stunning good looks. Instead of providing you (Anonymous Internet Person) with the Solidly Constructed Arguement I was lazy and gave you this instead:
Halloween is a religous holiday in many different religions. In Christianity it is celebrated as All Saints Day, also celebrated by Bogans all round Australia as every Tuesday night.
*insert pause whilst you work out why that joke is funny, chuckle a bit, read on...*
In ancient and moderc Celtic traditions it is Samhain, the night the souls of the dead walk the earth.
In Mexico (Meh-Hi-Ko) it is celebrated as the Day of the Dead (the festival not the B-Grade horror movie... WOW! I am on fire tonight!)
And thats about it... Please note, nowhere in there did I write "Candy Companies" . So to that person (Randy) who didn't believe me when I said Halloween is a legitimate religous holiday: "Gringo"

And to you Anonymous Internet person: "Goodbye"


AUTHORS NOTE:
Yeah I just read what I wrote. Wow. Sorry's all I can really say. I'm committed to not editing my work except for spelling and grammer (and even then...) so well, sorry for writing such an incomprehensible piece of pointless diatribe.

Why People Who Are'nt Interesting Should Shut The Hell Up

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, but there is a new and insidious threat to society. This isn’t some religious nutcase from halfway across the world, nor is it punk kids and their satanic music, it isn’t even well off people driving in the city with 4WD Range Rovers. This is much worse because it directly affects me. I am talking about boring people who insist on telling boring stories, and partaking in boring activities like crochet and cataloguing things. They even have the innate ability to make even fun things such as life boring. The worse thing about them is they do not even realise how boring they are. A whole room of people could top themselves and they wouldn’t care, or notice. No, they would just keep on ploughing through an hour long story about their great grandchildren’s curtains. So, as a public service I decided to make a small list of things NOT to bring up in conversation:

· Tip number one: Your children, or children who are related to you. People seem to think that because I am a fellow human I want to hear about their children’s trip to the dentist. Trust me, I don’t. Most other people don’t either. So don’t bring it up unless it leads on to something more interesting. Here is an example of what not to do:

YOU: My child went to the dentist yesterday.

ME: Really, that’s so.... Really?

YOU: Yeah, turns out that he needed to get a filling done, and then we had to sit there for like....

ME: (Slowly goes into hibernation until you leave.)




A much better story would be:

YOU: My child went to the dentist yesterday.

ME: Really, that’s so.... Really?

YOU: Yeah, when we got there he was standing on the roof singing “What A Wonderful World” throwing chicken nuggets at the onlookers.

ME: (Actively listens throughout the remainder of
your story and then makes some amusing gaffe about prostate cancer.)


The overall thing to remember is: if your story is not interesting then do not tell it. People will hate you if you do. They will spread rumours about what you did with that pickle and then they will kick you in the spleen.



· Tip number two: People never cease to amaze me when they leave for a few minutes and then return and assume we are still talking about the same subject. They then plough headlong into a conversation about Honduras, assuming we are still talking about Rollerblades. The effect is similar to a head on collision between a Fiat and a tank. By the time you get to the driver of the Fiat it’s already to late to save them. This means that a good conversation about Honduras has been ruined by some buffoon who enters saying: “One time I fell over and kicked myself in the head with my rollerblades.” This is annoying, confusing, and most of all, boring. It means that you have to, for the sake of being polite, re-enter into conversation about rollerblades even though you have since moved on. The second moral of this story is don’t buy a Fiat. Unless it is a Panda. The Fiat Panda is quite possibly the most brilliant invention ever.



· Tip number three: Contrary to popular belief, not all jokes are funny. This is the same for people. Some people are very unfunny and must therefore never tell a joke, for if they do the joke is tainted and will never be funny again. People who tell an unfunny joke, or tell a funny joke in a way that makes it unfunny deserve to be bludgeoned with a watermelon. There is also a time and a place you do and don’t tell jokes. When Nelson Mandela got out of prison and became president he didn’t go over to the microphone and say: “So a priest, a rabbi and an aardvark all walk into a bar...”. Another prime example is at funerals. Now, there is no easy way to tell if you are one of the “Funny” people, or if you are a member of the “Unfunny” people. Have a conversation and drop a few jokes. If people laugh at you then you are funny. If people karate chop you in the lung, you are unfunny.



So there you have it. Three hot tips to not being boring. Lets recap:

· Don’t tell boring stories about boring topics.

· Don’t spontaneously burst into conversation about a completely new topic, and don’t leave and then return assuming the topic hasn’t changed. It has.

· Don’t tell unfunny jokes. If you are an unfortunate member of the “unfunny” group of homo sapiens, it is best if you don’t talk at all.

Follow this advice and you will find that people will actually like you, instead of just pretending to like you. You will also find that you will be punched in the face 30 percent less.

Why the Matrix was right

It's been a while since I wrote anything of substance on this blog. But I'll change that here by writing an article so awesome it will explode your head.
In the next few lines I am going to make you stop and say 'wow'. I will literally tear apart the fabric of time and space and single handedly destroy all matter. How? Well, I am going to, with the help of my alter ego Paddy O'Carrington reveal a startling revelation. One which beats all those boring revalations made in the Bible. I am going to show why the Matrix was right about reality.

INT. LOUNGEROOM - DAY

PADDY is sitting on the couch. Ben walks in.

PADDY:

Oh, hi Ben. How are you?

BEN: Shut up and listen.

PADDY:

Excuse me?

(BEN slaps PADDY)

BEN:

Shh.

PADDY:

Okay.

BEN:

I just had an efinapy.

PADDY:

A what?

BEN:

An efinapy.

PADDY:

I... I... a what?

BEN:

Efinapy. Are you deaf or just stupid.

PADDY:

I'm Irish.

BEN:

Oh.

PADDY:

Do you mean epiphany?

BEN:

No. Maybe.

PADDY:

Go on.

BEN:

Yeah. I just realised that all the world is false. A fake. A giant con.

PADDY:

And how did you figure that?

BEN:

Phisolophy.

PADDY:

Do you mean... oh never mind.

BEN:

I used logic.

PADDY:

Good for you.

BEN:

Mmm. You see:

Reality is what we perceive

Everybody perceives reality different

Therefore there can be no "One" reality, or the 'real' reality

PADDY:

Far out.

BEN:

Yeah baby. I just disproved life.

(PADDY claps appreciatively)

So there you go. I just proved reality is a false concept. Bet Einstein never did that. Bumming on with all his voodoo and Quasars and Quantum theory. All of it is simply his perception of the universe.

When i feel like it i'll post a article which explains what to do about this reality concept. If it is true then it would explain all kinds of funky stuff. More on that later but.

Aloha

(the goodbye aloha not the hello aloha. Now why are you still here. Go away. Shoo. Goodbye. Thank God I thought you'd never leave.)

The graveyard shuffle

My latest piece of artwork. "The graveyard Shuffle"

halloween

It's Halloween soon, 38 days at the time of me writing this. For me its an excuse to write about spooky shit and draw pictures of monsters. Below is Evil Joe and Ricky Bob. My first attempt at Halloween-Art.

Woo-oooo-ooooo

Did it just get cold in here?

Cats

Why do cat lovers insist on spruking on about how good cats are and about how cats are so much better than dogs. A cat won't come when called, a cat won't save little Johnny from falling down the well and most of all a cat won't tell you that there is a malignant, cancerous growth on your spine. A dog will.
Recent studies show that dogs can smell cancer, like drugs, so be careful if you have cancer and travel via airports or you might get arrested for smuggling dope.
Now if a dog can diagnose you with cancer, save you from a house fire and then still have time to run and stop Escobar from smuggling heroin into the country why do cat lovers still believe cats are better. Cats curl up and sleep, wake up and eat, and then curl up and sleep again. Occasionally they wander over, meow until you pay attention to them and then curl up on the book you were reading and go to sleep. A dog does none of this. It comes when it's called and goes away when it is told. Cat lovers say this is because it is stupid. And cats are independent and proud. Codswallop. What sounds stupider to you? A dog that can learn a language and commands... or a cat that has a bath by licking itself?
And if a dog is so stupid for following orders what does that say about people. We obey metal signs for gods sake! Inanimate, unmoving, stickfigures smoking, or falling off a cliff or crossing the road. Humans are possibly the most evolved species on earth today, and dogs can do much of what we do. Sleep, eat, wander around ailmlessly and then obey whatever command is thrown at them. Blind, uncaring obedience.
Therefore:

Obedience + Dogs = Humans

Obedience + Cats = well... lets not go there